A little thought.

You never really know exactly how other people are feeling. I have come across people who are vocal about their most personal thoughts, feelings, struggles and successes. Then there are others, who you stand next to, they smile but really they are completely broken. 

Be kind, try to understand and be patient the pain you think someone is feeling is most likely a whole lot worse. The worst thing you can do is give up on the person who needs you the most.

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It’s ok to get lost for a little while.

My world is irreversibly changed. It was six months yesterday that I had the devastating news that my Mamma wasn’t coming home.

What have I learned? Mostly I have learned that its ok to deal with things in your own way at your own pace. Grief is unlike any other emotion felt, every single day is different – for me and you. I have learned that I can feel an abundance of emotions in one day, actually probably one hour. I have gone from laughing and feeling positive about the changes I am going to make, to feeling the most terrible guilt at allowing myself to feel happy, to feeling that my life has no purpose or direction then feeling like the strongest most powerful woman in the world. This leaves you feeling so exhausted, mentally and physically. I have learned the true meaning of heartbreak and loneliness and really what it feels like to be at the darkest most sorrowful place in life, this being said: I know that I couldn’t possibly feel any worse than I do now so things can only get easier.

I have had a particularly bad few days, this being the reason I am currently in bed. Its 6pm I am typing in my underwear with bloodshot eyes, a snotty nose, my hair unwashed and un-brushed for days and a takeaway Chicken Gyros with chips on my lap. I am unable to face any members of the public so a trip to the supermarket is just unquestionable. What I think I am trying to say is that its bloody ok to feel like this and have bad days and if I want to stay in bed, eating greasy takeaway food and cry that is exactly what I am going to do, Ill probably have myself a large Gin and Tonic too.Tomorrow is another day and hopefully a more positive one.

I believe when you get lost for a while that’s fine, actually its a good thing because when you do start to find yourself again that’s when your heart and soul will slowly begin to heal. It will never be the same again but I believe I will be whole and happy and full of love.

Living without My Mother.

Becoming a Motherless daughter at 27 was not something I ever thought I’d be here writing about. I am riding the emotional rollercoaster of grief and trying to remember to breathe on the way. I have never felt the urge to express my feelings in such a way  but there is so much going on within my mind that I decided I needed to find a suitable release. I’d like to share my story and reach out to other women who have found themselves on this path.

I often feel like the light in my life has vanished and the weight of my own body is too much to carry. Memories bring me tears and torment rather than happy memories. I am focusing on being able to be happy again and bringing the light back to my life, just like my Mamma would have wanted.